we are the people your parents warned you about...

 
sidekick neil has been on the show since the 1998 incarnation. with roger's untimely demise at the cracker factory, neil has ascended to the ranks of full-time host. his sarcasm and wit are second to none. we're not really sure if he likes anything, but he does think most things pop-culture churns out are stupid. he hates boy-bands, yahoos, yocals, yo-yos, bellybutton lint, whining, complaining, bitching, moaning and pubic inflammation to name a few. click here to read his monthly insight.

 
ever since sidekick neil assumed the duties of the gracious hosty-host, the show lacked a full-time sidekick until john leary jumped into the sidekick's chair. he has been a smashing success ever since. leary is a native of historic south boston, a humanitarian and a friend to all. he seems to have a cause that he plugs every week on the show. click here to see leary's many causes, as seen on short cuts. much to neil's dismay, leary's warm, inviting personality has rendered him one of the most popular characters in the history of the show's existence. he is often referred to as "tv's own" because he's not just ordinary john leary anymore -- he's john leary, "as seen on tv."

 
allow us to introduce jessup algonquin steed, or as his last girlfriend likes to call him, "hey, you, in the bushes!" jessup hails from deep in the swamps of muddy creek, georgia. after telling him numerous times to get out of the alley and dumpster behind the studio, the producers decided to give him a gig. he has sworn off all dentistry. after a failed stint as a standup comic, jessup opened his own office as a private investigator. weekly, jessup joins the studio folks to offer his thoughts on "stuff that sucks." unfortunately, his rants usually devolve into his profession of his love for the lovely christina. you can enter to win a date with this fine fellow by clicking here.

 
just what is it that makes big mikey so damn sweet? who the hell knows? as far as we can tell, he's a 24-year-old, sandwich eating, transformer felching, comic collecting, fashion lacking, porn watching pedophile. but if you were to ask him, he'll tell you he's a happening cat. he also happens to be shitting himself on a regular basis as well. strangely enough, his segments are the highest rated parts of short cuts due to what the producers consider to be the "train wreck syndrome." if you want to find out for yourself, watch for "mike's room." if you want to be a swinging cat like big mikey, click HERE!

 
you would think it would be fun to live with a duck, just like on nbc's "friends" right? wrong. (and that show sucks too!) but anyway, duck has been nothing but an asshole to everyone since neil hit him with his car. duck has a serious problem with everyone and a real nasty attitude -- especially billy d. there are also some strange things that frequently happen around duck, like the fbi looking for him. some fear him, but most just laugh because they fear his wrath.

 
in 1998, short cuts came under fire from the network for not providing enough educational content in the show. (they were probably right) but in a hasty decision, Roger hired professor dogan (doh-GAN). claiming to have a Ph.D. in learned knowledge, the prof has spoken at such renowned institutions as Bellevue Mental and the Brisco Brothers Auto Shop. it has yet to be determined whether or not any children have ever learned anything from him.  however, it was later learned that the english derivative dogan (DOH-gan) is a euphemism for penis, which makes sense if you pay close attention to the content of his segments.

 
if there was ever a buzz kill, his name is richard stevens. appointed by the network's standards and practices division, cable access sector, mr. stevens is responsible to make sure that a show of short cuts' popularity sets a good example for its viewers. morality is his middle name. he cannot figure out why so many people like short cuts, with its wide array of vile, derogatory sketches. he has made it his mission to clean up the show and stop it from ever having crack addicted house plants on again.

 
did you ever notice that most cable access shows have some stupid fake foliage in the background while their brain-numbing program goes on for what seems like an eternity? well, short cuts wanted to know what it would be like if that plant got a prominant role on the show. what a dumb idea. for you see, stupid green plant has a serious drug problem. when there is no other sidekick for neil, plant is always there. why? because he came with the studio. after episode #17 we learned that plant was actually hawking old watches, gum and near-mint condition bic lighters. you gotta pay your baby's momma somehow, right?

 
 dr. doggius is neil's next door neighbor's dog and arch-enemy. he is a master of eating garbage. traveling around on all fours, short cuts has fastened a camera to his collar to keep tabs on the toughest dog in dorchester. he is constantly on the prowl, getting into all sorts of trouble -- especially eating neil's garbage.

 
do you see these assholes? no, i mean seriously, do you see these assholes? (pictured l to r) johnny d., b.j., jimmy (tuff as leather) and t-bags are short cuts' fun lovin' frat boys. they bring a weekly segment cleverly entitled, this week in frat newz. representatives of the frat t-k-e, local chapter over at s-u, these guys are just, well, retarded. frat life is retarded and so are these guys. they love roofies and fish paralyzers and can't wait for this weekend's ragin' kegger.

 
 
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